Just Stay Home
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| Sometimes it's best to stay home. |
"Dear Miles, My face turns bright red after I run at lunch. It's embarrassing at work. How should I respond to stares?"
- If I were "Miles", I'd reply. "Tell them you're choking to death and to call 911 immediately."
"Dear Miles, I coughed mildly while running at the gym (a dry, noncontagious cough [how the f does this guy know what a "noncontagious" cough sounds like??]) when someone told me it's "people like you" that get him sick. How should I have reacted?"
- My reply: "Punch the bitch in the mouth and tell him that now he has something else to worry about than catching a cold."
Last one, ready?
"Dear Miles, someone said I'm too tall to do a marathon. Is this valid?"
- [oh. my. god. I wanted to poke my eyes out after reading this one.] My reply: "Yes, it's valid Sasquatch. Go join a circus and make some money."
Two of my past favorites were losers asking:
"If my shoe comes untied during a group run, should I tie it?"
and
"My training partner is faster than I am. What should I do about it?"
I KNOW I'm nothing special but please stab me in the temple with a Bic pen if I ever ask a question as dumb as these...
Dear Tim,
ReplyDeleteMy nose runs a lot when I run in the winter. Snot gets crusted around my nostrils by the end of the run. Should I rinse my face before having a portrait taken? Please help.
Sincerely,
Beam me up Snotty
Dear snotty,
ReplyDeleteBring a vat of water to a boil on the stove and submerge your entire head in it. It might sting a little at first but you'll be fine.
Dear FeatherDuster.
ReplyDeleteMy nipples are very tender after Long runs and they hurt when I shower. Should I not shower for a few days after Long runs?
Thanks,
Long Me Tender.
Well, long me tender,
ReplyDeleteMy nipples are sensitive too and I've spent a lot of time thinking about them. My favorite "trick" is to use vagisil. I like to rub it on my nipples at the start of a race or long run (note that it's most effective with your eyes shut and head tipped back and with people watching). Feel free to ask your partner (running, that is) to assist. I mean, no sense you having all the fun alone!
Topless is always a fabulous option too.
Have fun out there, cowboy!
Someone needs to get a race in Sooooooooooooon!!!!
ReplyDeleteDear FeatherDuster:
ReplyDeleteI read your recent article on the use of Vagisil on nipples. Thank you so much for that piece of advice - I only wished I had read that before I had mine surgically removed. I thought that would be the easiest way to permanently avoid pain.
I would also like to add that Vagisil works great as a lip balm during colder weather.
Sincerely,
MushMouth
Dear Dr. Long,
ReplyDeleteHave you tried barefoot running?
Hanging Nien
Dear MushMouth,
ReplyDeleteRemoving your nipples completely is a wonderful solution. I actually will be offering that service on the first night of our mountain running camp, www.mountainruncamp.com (it's part of the all-inclusive package). Shh, don't tell the participants. It's a surprize!
Thanks for the lip balm tip. I'll try that one today! Our readers gain so much from veteran runners like yourself.
-FF
Dear Hanging Nien (is that a beautiful German name for castrated?),
ReplyDeleteI read this wonderful book called "Born to Run" that opened my eyes to the cutting edge phenomenon that has never been done - barefoot running!
Upon finishing the book ran straight from my cozy rocking chair in front of the fireplace, out the door and felt the freedom like I've only experienced once (at summer camp as a child with a very friendly counselor named Ethel). The ground beneath my feet, weightless motion, pure bliss.
The doctor says the 4" rusty nail should only do minimal long term damage.
Give it a try, Hanging Nien. Just stay clear of roads, sidewalks, rocky trails, ice, grass where dogs frequent, construction sites, etc.
-FF
Well I must admit the idea of surgically removing nipples was not all mine. One of my early training partners was a German lad named Hanging Nien. He would have stomach problems all the time on long runs (you know, #2 issues). So he finally had one of his toes removed to use as a cork for his back side. That was really my source of inspiration, so I must not take all credit for the idea.
ReplyDeleteThose Germans are an industrious bunch: Porsche, Mercedes, the Audubon, and self mutilation to extend a run!
ReplyDeletePacing behind him must be a little disconcerting. One good fart and you'll have a toe bullet to dodge.
Thanks for the honesty; I'm certain Hanging will appreciate the credit.
Yes they (Germans) are an industrious bunch. Hanging Nien actually attached his spare toe via string to the apex of his man instrument. So if he ever had an especially bad stomach bout or needed to stop on purpose for a trip to the loo, he wouldn't lose it or drop it. He treated his toe very nice and referred to it as "Chad". Very few people know he actually invented the term "Hanging Chad" from those bathroom stops.
ReplyDelete